"Tastes like chicken!"
About 16% of gold-medal winners cried during the Olympic award ceremony, according to a Wall Street Journal survey of the 2012 London games. Another 16% either kissed or bit their medal. We asked Carsonmaniacs: what would you do on the podium?
46% Sneer at the silver and bronze medal winners
38% Sing Stevie Wonder’s “nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey, goodbye”
27% Practice posing for the Wheaties box
15% Text my agent to compare endorsement offers
Note: total exceeds 100% due to rounding errors and polltakers’ inattentiveness
You know your picnic guests are going to put up a faux protest about the fatty meats at your summer barbecue – even though they’re scarfing them down like there’s no tomorrow. You can already hear it: “Oh, I really shouldn’t (chomp, chomp). I need to lose weight (gulp).”
This year, call their bluff by holding a barbecue relay. Anyone who wants a meal is required to participate. Explain that the relay works off at least some of the calories they’re about to consume.
Set up rows of barbecue tools about 100 yards apart, or 100 meters if you’re in Canada, eh. Place the pointy sides up. Don’t skewer uncooked meat unless your guests are really into the raw foods thing – and be sure to get a signed waiver from those wackos in case they develop parasites.
Line up several guests at a time. When you blow a whistle, they must sprint/run/waddle to the opposite set of tools, grab whatever meat they want, and return to their starting tool line. Only the first, second and third finishers get to keep their entree. Others must wait until a later heat to try again.
Serve your salads and pasta dishes in the same manner. By then, everyone will be so tired you can probably get by with half the usual amount of food.
I hope you weren't expecting anything profound.
If I ever need to plead insanity, this blog will provide valuable evidence.
Copyright (c) 2022 by Leah Carson, d/b/a Excellent Words, LLC