Due to factors beyond my control (clients have been sending me assignments!), I haven't written many blog entries lately. Once I'm able to disengage my brain, I'll start blogging again.
1. Bike in the nude. Then stop for lunch at an outdoor café, and lean your bike against an adjacent table.
2. Parasail nude. You can gross out hundreds of beachgoers at once.
3. Hang up clothes to dry on your backyard clothesline while not wearing any yourself. Your neighbors will be amused by the irony.
4. Go horseback riding, a la Lady Godiva.
5. Streak through the park during a community festival. This activity also provides your daily dose of cardio.
6. Try one of those carnival rides that hang riders upside down. Being nude enhances the experience tenfold.
Milwaukee WI -- Organizers of the Rock 'N Sole Half Marathon and 10K, criticized for the "lack of shade" during yesterday's race, have announced plans to place a giant tarp over the bridge's upper structure next year.
"It'll be kind of like those makeshift tents you played in when you were a kid," said a spokesman who asked not to be identified. "We'll cobble together something out of picnic blankets and stuff. A few clothespins here and there should keep it in place in case the wind picks up."
Some disgruntled runners were not satisifed by the proposed fix. "In New York City, they not only covered the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge for a race but also tarped the entire race course," said one runner, who reported that he completes "at least" three marathons a week.
1. Zillow's map of your neighborhood is marked with a skull and crossbones.
2. The house next door just sold for $1.29.
3. When you list your home, the broker suggests offering the sellers a nice perk, such as your first-born child.
You know your picnic guests are going to put up a faux protest about the fatty meats at your summer barbecue — even though they’re scarfing them down like there’s no tomorrow. You can already hear it: “Oh, I really shouldn’t (chomp, chomp). I need to lose weight (gulp).”
This year, call their bluff by holding a barbecue relay. Anyone who wants a meal is required to participate. Explain that the relay works off at least some of the calories they’re about to consume.
Set up rows of barbecue tools about 100 yards apart, or 100 meters if you’re in Canada, eh. Place the pointy sides up, as in the photo. Unlike the photo, don’t skewer uncooked meat unless your guests are really into the raw foods thing — and be sure to get a signed waiver from those wackos in case they develop parasites.
Line up nine guests at a time. When you blow a whistle, they must sprint/run/waddle to the opposite set of tools, grab whatever meat they want, and return to their starting tool line. Only the first, second and third finishers get to keep their entree. Others must wait until a later heat to try again.
Serve your salads and pasta dishes in the same manner. By then, everyone will be so tired you can probably get by with half the usual amount of food.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Clownaphobia, the perfectly normal fear of strangers who appear in public wearing face paint and giant shoes, is expected to peak over the July 4th holiday.
According to Dr. Warren Pease, a psychiatrist at the University of Motown, clown sightings skyrocket during holiday parades and carnivals.
“This fear is embedded in our popular culture,” notes Dr. Pease, “as well it should be. You really don’t know who’s under that fright wig or what they’re hiding in that baggy suit.”
Dr. Pease offers tips for clownaphobia sufferers:
« Sit far back from the curb when watching a parade. Clowns usually don’t venture beyond the first row.
« Avoid eye contact with the clown.
« If a clown approaches, back away slowly, keeping your arms at your sides. Avoid nervous giggling, as this triggers the clown’s predatory instincts.
« Check your yard each morning. Discarded squirting flowers, twistable balloons, and empty clown cars indicate an overnight visit. You’d be wise to set out cardboard containers of Clown-B-Gone, available at most major garden centers.
« For increased security, carry a custard pie whenever you go out during peak clown season. In most states, this is not considered a concealed weapon.
I hope you weren't expecting anything profound.
If I ever need to plead insanity, this blog will provide valuable evidence.
Copyright (c) 2022 by Leah Carson, d/b/a Excellent Words, LLC