Egyptian tourism officials, rattled by a recent case in which a Chinese tourist scratched graffiti into an ancient artifact, today discovered another act of vandalism: the nose of the Sphinx is missing.
Tourism officials would neither confirm nor deny that this case is related to the graffiti "Ding Jinhao was here" that appeared on a 3,500-year-old temple artifact. One representative, speaking on condition of anonymity, remarked: "Ding Jinhao was here, but the Sphinx's nose is not."
Archaelogists offered varied opinions on a solution. Some believe that the original nose, if found, could be reattached with Krazy Glue and rebar. Others recommend a nose-cloning procedure a la Woody Allen's film "Bananas."
Quality AV components? Check. Customized furniture? Check. Light-blocking drapes? Check.
And now for the finishing touches to recreate the authentic theatergoing experience:
--Spill soft drinks on the floor and let them dry to a sticky residue.
--Record the broadcast of an annoying pop radio station, and play it prior to the “feature presentation,” accompanied by dimly lit ads for local businesses.
--Ask your spouse to sell you a carton of stale popcorn for $8.50.
--Just before the feature, run a dozen onscreen reminders to “silence cellphones.”
--Set a batch of cellphones to ring at critical points in the film – say, during a love scene or right before the hero saves the world. Scatter them around the room.
--Invite some attention-deficit-disordered neighbor kids to sit behind you, where they’ll whine, argue, and kick the back of your chair.
--Invite their dimwitted parents to sit next to you and blab about the movie: “What did he say?” “Hey, that guy looks like John Travolta.” “This movie sucks.”
--Set your air conditioner to 46 degrees, and make sure the fan blows directly down your neck.
Enjoyed this story? It's from Gimme Shelter: A Spoofbook on Home Decorating -- available free today at Amazon.com. And even if you missed the free promo day, the book costs only 99 cents. Click here for the Amazon sales page.
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All of my ebooks are now available as downloadable Adobe PDFs as well. So there's no need to deal with all that newfangled ebook technology! Simply purchase and download any or all of the PDFs and pore over them until you need reading glasses, just like Grandma and Grandpa.
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My love is like a red, red corn dog.
1. Each week, set aside one night for a romantic date, preferably with each other.
2. Enact your secret bedroom fantasies. You’re Howdy Doodie, she’s Lamb Chop. You’re Eva Braun, he’s Adolph Hitler. You’re both Brangelina. Whatever floats your boat.
3. Try a new activity together: visit a landfill, for instance, or cook homemade corn dogs in the deep fryer.
4. There’s nothing like a mutual enemy to create a bond, so find something you both detest (highway roundabouts? February?) and spend quality time kvetching about it.
5. Take a picnic. It doesn’t have to be fancy, as long as you bring lots of booze.
6. Enroll in a cool class together. Consider a foreign language like HTML, or maybe something practical like sofa reupholstering.
7. Feed each other with chocolate-dipped fruit. If fresh fruit is beyond your budget, use prunes or dog treats.
I hope you weren't expecting anything profound.
If I ever need to plead insanity, this blog will provide valuable evidence.
Copyright (c) 2022 by Leah Carson, d/b/a Excellent Words, LLC