--The bride sees the groom wearing her wedding gown before the ceremony.
--A black crow walks down the aisle ahead of the bridal party.
--A tornado flattens the church.
--A dead albatross is hung from the church steeple.
--The groom forgets he’s getting married and goes to a ballgame instead.
--Pins are considered unlucky, especially if they poke the bride and cause uncontrollable bleeding.
For more wedding hilarity, check out my White Lace and Panic Spoofbook in Kindle format at Amazon: http://amzn.to/WhiteLacePanic
Strange but true: Better Homes and Gardens magazine dropped a bombshell in its June 2012 issue, proclaiming not just once but twice that backyard barbecues should be casual and easy:
“Barbecue is about keeping things casual.” (p. 100)
“Outdoor entertaining is all about ease.” (p. 102)
Homeowners of America, take note! It’s no longer necessary to set the picnic table with fine china and silver. Forget the crystal candlesticks. Ditch the heirloom linen tablecloth. And tell your guests that white tie and tails won’t be necessary anymore.
However, you’re not completely off the hook. BH&G’s home entertaining tips include handmade placecards, homemade take-home gifts for each guest, and labor-intensive recipes like Organic Homegrown Olives on Yeast Bread with Truffles.
So start preparing now, and you just might be ready to host a Labor Day picnic.
Just remember to keep it casual.
The Borgia Pope was so wild and crazy he even cheated on his mistress. No wonder his Latin name was Alexander Sextus.
His youngest son (a.k.a. Fredo Corleone) spent his spare time rolling in the hay with every comely wench he could find. Just a chip off the old block.
When lightning struck the steeple and killed several altar boys, Il Papa took it as a sign of God’s displeasure, ignoring the obvious: the cathedral needed lightning rods.
For penance during Lent, he made everyone eat sardines. My hubby feels the same way about anchovies on pizza.
Just in time for Memorial Day weekend, when we all get naked and head outdoors, sunblock makers have issued new self-serving guidelines. Here’s a comparison of former vs. new standards for protecting yourself from virulent, poisonous sunshine.
Then: one shotglass full of sunblock
Then: every 4 hours
Now: every 4 minutes
Then: exposed skin
Now: exposed skin, covered skin, scalp beneath hair, underside of foot soles
Then: whenever you’re outdoors between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m.
Now: 24/7, except when you’re in the shower
Have you heard? NASA predicts a huge solar storm in 2013 that could blanket Earth in a blood-red aurora. Well, here at Carsonmania we say: look on the bright side. (Get it?... solar…bright?)
Once those solar flares really start flaring:
You’ll get a great suntan just by going outdoors for 10 minutes.
Home heating costs will lower dramatically, especially if your roof melts away.
New options open up for winter vacation when Fargo is just as warm as Phoenix.
You won’t have to mow the lawn anymore. Rake the ash, maybe. But cut the grass? No.
Sure, the electrical grid would be devastated, but this just might be God’s way of wiping out telemarketers.
1. Remove any animal carcasses that have accumulated during the winter.
2. Use a leaf blower to gather loose items from the entire house into a big pile in the living room. Set fire to it.
3. As the pile burns, throw in all those National Geographic mags you never got around to reading.
4. Use a toothbrush to clean crevices in the sink, shower and toilet.
5. Go back to the toothbrush holder where you absentmindedly replaced this toothbrush, figure out which one it is, and discard it.
6. Wipe and disinfect pets.
7. Lift big pieces of furniture to strain your back.
8. Turn the oven dial to the super-hot “clean” setting. When your kitchen begins to look and smell like a Juarez tire fire, call the fire department.
9. Dump the contents of your utensil drawer onto the counter. Set aside tools you’ve never used and/or don’t recognize. Store them in your bedroom nightstand.
(Washington, D.C.) Rick Santorum, who had earlier bowed out of the Republican presidential primary, sorta endorsed Mitt Romney today.
“If you’re going to vote in November,” Santorum said, “you might as well get behind that Mormon guy – you know, Mr. Boatloads of Money, who bought his way into the Republican nomination. I don’t agree with anything he stands for, but he’s certainly better than Obama.”
Faithful supporters, gathered at Santorum’s campaign headquarters for his pseudo-recommendation, held signs reading “Whatever” and “Vote for the lesser of two evils.”
Santorum’s speech came on the heels of Newt Gingrich’s similarly tepid endorsement. “I’m disappointed that the party would choose a mere mortal,” Gingrich said. “While I may have run out of money, I’m still the smartest man on the planet. And now, please excuse me. I’m taking Callista to the hairdresser for an emergency touch-up.”
You’ve probably heard that airlines are now overbooking every single flight because of mergers, high fuel prices, and airlines’ inherent sadism. Here’s how to interpret various gate announcements while you’re waiting to board.
--“This flight is full.” Every seat is assigned, including lavatories.
--“This flight is very full.” Infants and toddlers must be stowed in the overhead compartment.
--“This flight is completely full.” Several first-class passengers will sit in the cockpit and help fly the plane.
--“We’re asking for volunteers to give up their seats.” They’ll receive vouchers for a future flight, which will also be full, at which time they’ll be put on hold again – and so on and so on, until they become permanent residents of the airport.
--“Our itinerary has changed.” The flight is no longer stopping at the layover city, but you can parachute out at that point if you wish.
I hope you weren't expecting anything profound.
If I ever need to plead insanity, this blog will provide valuable evidence.
Copyright (c) 2022 by Leah Carson, d/b/a Excellent Words, LLC