Office Depot and OfficeMax have announced a merger “because nobody could tell us apart anyway,” a spokesman announced Wednesday.  

“I can’t tell you how many times people have walked into Office Depot with coupons for OfficeMax, and vice versa,” said the spokesman, who could not recall which chain he worked for. “Despite the fact that our huge red logo uses a different font than their huge red logo, consumers weren’t paying attention.” 

Proposed names for the post-merger entity include OfficeSomething, Office McDepot, and Not Staples.

Nike Inc. has signed Pope Benedict XVI to an endorsement contract effective March 1, the day after he retires from the papacy.


“We needed to counteract all the bad PR from Oscar Pistorius, Lance Armstrong and Suzy Favor Hamilton,” a Nike spokesman said. “Benedict’s athletic prowess is not widely known, but once we launch the ad campaign, many people will be impressed.

“Besides, back in the day, he stirred up lots of interest with his fancy red shoes. That certainly fits our brand paradigm.”

Benedict occasionally plays bocce ball to relax after a long day of papal duties. Coincidentally, the IOC recently introduced bocce ball as an Olympic sport, along with bungee jumping, donkey basketball, mahjongg and tiddlywinks.