Can you suggest a quick and easy main dish for the holidays?
Can you suggest a difficult, strange and stressful main dish?
Yes! Heaven forbid you should settle for a traditional (borrrinngg!) family feast. Decades from now, your guests will still be talking about this weird main course.
Eternity Roast Turkey
Active time: 21 hours
Total time: 47 hours (includes three freak-out periods)
Serves: all dinner guests who become overnight guests while waiting for the meal to be served
Begin placing turkey pieces across three wire racks. Realize you have only one wire rack. Frantically phone neighbors and friends; drive across town and borrow two more.
Explain to guests that turkey is still eons away from doneness. Convert sleeper sofa to bed. Serve them eggnog spiked with absinthe.
Mix seasonings with brown sugar, using your fingers. Lick fingers frequently as a reward for running all over town to borrow wire racks. Sprinkle remaining sugar over the turkey pieces on wire racks. Place each rack over a cookie baking pan.
Attempt to refrigerate overnight. Realize there’s not enough room in the fridge. Place two racks in the freezer. Set alarm to wake you twice during the night to rotate all three racks of turkey.
Wake up in a panic at dawn when your alarm goes off for the third time.
Remove turkey from refrigerator / freezer. Let stand for one hour, someplace where the cat can’t get at it.
Pick cat hair off turkey pieces.
Pour toxic raw-turkey liquid from each cookie sheet down the drain.
Pat turkey with paper towel and murmur “Sorry about this.”
Stare at turnip and wonder what you were thinking, since you’ve always hated turnips. Shove turnip down garbage disposal. Realize the drain is clogged with turkey fat; scream for your spouse to fix it. Take a sedative and lie down for 30 minutes.
Realize you should have preheated oven to 350 degrees half an hour ago. Set oven at 700 degrees to compensate.
Brush melted butter over turkey pieces with a baking brush, craft-paint brush or lightly used toothbrush.
Awaken your overnight guests and announce that it’s cocktail hour. Serve leftover eggnog.
Roast turkey until a relatively clean finger inserted into the breast bone comes out with second-degree burns.
Sprinkle jimmies over all pieces of turkey so this main dish doubles as the dessert course.
And that’s all there is to it. Bon appetit!
Copyright (c) 2021 by Leah Carson
Excerpted from Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available from Amazon for the incredibly cheap price of $3.99 for Kindle and $7.99 for paperback: HERE
I hope you weren't expecting anything profound.
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Copyright (c) 2022 by Leah Carson, d/b/a Excellent Words, LLC