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Chihuahuas are descended from the Mexican tortilla. Despite being the smallest dog breed in the world, they are also the biggest bullies. They've been known to scare off a charging 900-pound American bison from a suburban back yard.
Their “pocket dog” nature makes Chihuahuas vulnerable to being left in the laundry. Luckily they are also good swimmers and gymnasts who take naturally to tumbling. Some Chihuahuas loath every person they meet; others make exceptions for people who feed them. They tend to bite people’s ankles, since that’s about as high as they can reach – unless they’re picked up and carried, in which case they tend to bite forearms. A Chihuahua that rides around in its owner’s purse is technically not a dog but rather a variant of ferret. Chihuahuas are also one of the few dog breeds that tolerate wearing rhinestone-studded collars without shame. With their thin skin and nonexistent coats, Chihuahuas seek out warmth. They tunnel into blankets and towels, hide under couch cushions, and hang out near nuclear reactors. Chihuahuas can be quite difficult to housetrain. They’re so small that they figure they can get away with it. The dog’s 0.5-micron bladder simply can’t hold more than a drop or two of urine. Chihuahuas are extremely fragile. They can be injured when someone touches them, swears loudly, or sneezes. They may also suffer a stroke as they go ballistic to prevent an intruder (for instance, your teenager) from entering the dog’s perceived territory (the teen’s bedroom). For more pet-lovers' guilty pleasures, check out "For Pets' Sake" ...click HERE Remember blackboards? In my school days, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, every schoolroom had a blackboard front and center. But now they’re being insidiously replaced by whiteboards.
That’s a shame, because blackboards are superior in every way. When the teacher grabbed that chalk, you knew she meant business. The sudden screeeech of chalk against board made kids sit up and cover their ears. At the end of a school day, some lucky kid got to erase all the chalk off the board. Then they’d clean the erasers by banging them together (over somebody’s head, if the teacher wasn’t looking). Chalk is much cheaper than whiteboard markers, which dry out quickly – and then what are you going to use? A fountain pen? Machine oil? Blood? Blackboards have a rich cultural history. Can you imagine J. Robert Oppenheimer postulating theoretical physics formulas with a purple felt-tip pen? His reputation would have evaporated faster than the fumes. Speaking of fumes, forcing a naughty student to write “I will not set fire to my desk” 100 times on a whiteboard is just asking for an inquiry from Child Protective Services. And finally: Whiteboards don’t always erase completely. You might be left with a permanent background image of the USDA Food Pyramid. Shedded hair on the sofa… broken vases… claw marks on the antique armchair. Even the sweetest tabby becomes a one-critter demolition crew when you’re not looking. If lame advice from decorating “experts” has you rolling your eyes, check out our smartass alternatives.
They say: Buy a sofa that matches your cat’s coat. We say: Dye your cat’s coat to match the sofa. Install wool carpeting with an intricate pattern to disguise pee and poop stains. Like you can afford wool, right? Buy Walmart’s cheapest area rug; replace it when the stench becomes unbearable. Wrap armchairs with fabric throws. Tuck in tightly. Wrap fabric throws around the cat. Knot tightly. Use museum gel to affix bases of precious glassware to the mantelpiece. Buy plastic vases at the dollar store. Knocking them off the shelf gives the cat something to do. Hang plants out of the cat’s reach. From the chandelier. Photo courtesy of Martin Vorel, LibreShot.com Today’s model trains are way more realistic than the toys you grew up with: ordinary cars going round and round and round in circlezzzz. Check out these ghastly lifelike collections.
Derailment kits include bent railway tracks, fire-gutted freight cars, and toxic chemicals to spill across your layout. Optional civilian evacuation packages available. Third World sets provide rickety, dilapidated passenger cars with hundreds of riders piled on top and clinging to the sides. Often sold at a discount when purchased with derailment kits. “Urban art” freight cars come in two options: pre-decorated with gang graffiti, and do-it-yourself kits of tiny taggers holding microscopic cans of spray paint. Metro trolley starter sets offer ugly clusters of overhead wire above pavement pitted with metal tracks that gouge your miniature autos’ tires. Usually offered in sections covering three city blocks on which the trolley lurches much slower than your miniature pedestrians can walk. Sold by subscription only. Prices begin at $3 billion and automatically increase when the initial setup gets zero ridership and your miniature city council votes to expand the route. Photo by <a href="https://martinvorel.com/">Martin Vorel</a> Looks stunning from the air. From its jagged, blinding-white surface, not so much.
The snazzy rental paddleboard that got you there can handle only two gallons of drinking water. This will last about 5 minutes; then it’s time to head back to the resort. Which will be OK, because… …there’s nothing to do on the atoll but shield your eyes from the scorching sun. Oh, and notice all the sharks gathering in the shoals. Technically, an atoll should have a lagoon at its center. This one has a small hole emitting sulphorous vapor. Another reason to stay only 5 minutes. Aw, heck, the only fun thing about No Bikini Atoll is telling everybody its name when you get back home. And you don’t need to step onto its knife-edged shore to do that. So lie back in your beach chair and order another pina colada. According to the World Happiness Report, Norway is one of the happiest countries in the world. I’m happy for them, truly happy. I’m even happier that I don’t live there.
First off, their default greeting is “Hi hi!” Friends at a restaurant: “Hi hi!” People passing on the street: “Hi hi!” Annoying telemarketers: “Hi hi!” Overhearing this would drive me bonkers. I’d mutter “Bah, humbug” and be outed as just another cranky American. Norwegians love exercising in the great outdoors. So do I. But there’s a catch: all of their exercise depends on snow. Cross-country skiing on snow. Building snowmen, snowwomen or snowpersons. Climbing snow-covered mountains named Galdhopiggen and Snohetta. As for me, having barely survived winters in the Upper Midwest, snow is a cruel and unusual punishment. Strike two. At mealtime I would fail miserably. I like food that’s edible. Or, at the very least, it should be food. Not fish soaked in lye, or cooked sheep’s head, or potato balls. Strike three, I’m out. And finally, there’s geography, which is strike four. Much of Norway lies above the Arctic Circle (brrr). Norway shares a border with Russia (uh-oh). Despite being much bigger and closer to Greenland than Denmark is, Norwegians somehow slipped up and let the Danes claim that huge island (duh). So, I’m sorry, Norway. You’ll have to carry on without me. Bye-bye! Feeling pressured to do something on Valentine’s Day yet afraid of sticky romantic commitment? The following odd activities will leave your sorta-sweetie in limbo. They know it’s the thought that counts, but they can’t imagine what the thought actually is. Order custom candy hearts printed “Not sure,” “Ask later” and “Meh.” Cuddle up on the couch to stream a romantic Joe Pesci movie like "Casino" or "Goodfellas." Tell them to drop everything for a surprise visit to an exotic destination. Drive to the airport. Walk them through the terminal to Starbucks. Take a seat and yell “Surprise! We’re here!” A kitten or a pair of lovebirds shout "Commitment cliche!" Give them a hamster instead. A gift of cash says, "I don't know what you like. Go buy your own doggone present." On date night, visit the natural-history museum. Crack nerdy jokes about the naked men hunting a Woolly Mammoth.
Others have wolves, lions or bears. My spirit animal is Donald Duck, who…
…squawks loudly and often. …craves the limelight (and gets jealous when others have it). …is chronically frustrated by just about everything. …runs around a lot without ever really getting anywhere. Zen for babies: finding your bliss Hey, all you bundles of joy! It’s never too early to get in touch with your inner infant. These simple practices can help you “be all that you can be,” baby.
Strengthen your self-control Close your eyes and focus on a positive intention, like “Just for today, I will wait at least 10 minutes after a diaper change before pooping again.” Stop drinking milk before you’re full. Bite down hard and push away. (Bonus points if the nipple belongs to Mom!) Inhabit a sacred space Lie on your back in your crib. Stare at the mobile overhead and imagine how much it might fetch on eBay. Use creative changes Vary your routine. Stick your left hand inside your mouth one day, your right hand the next. Express yourself Move beyond the cliché babbling and “wah-wah-wahs.” Experiment with baboon hoots, machine-gun rasps and blood-curdling shrieks until you find your perfect mantra. |
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