 "Going forward, we're all about sales." (Cudahy WI) – The world’s leading app maker, Just Apps and More, has announced its latest app for mobile devices: Stand-In.
Stand-In creates a hologram of your entire body (“Virtual You” – patent pending) and projects it into a physical space. It’s everywhere you don’t want to be. Places where Stand-In can maintain a Virtual You hologram include:
--boring meetings. Once you’ve set the device to business mode, Virtual You will nod its head every 30 seconds and utter bits of jargon like “going forward,” “content is king,” and “we’re all about sales.”
--the Department of Motor Vehicles. Stand-In keeps Virtual You waiting in that interminable line and notifies you when it’s almost your turn.
--church. Stand-In ensures that the Virtual You hologram keeps its eyes wide open during the homily while you’re outside enjoying the sunshine.
 Bury it far below the frost line. Leap Day provides an unusual opportunity to create and bury a time capsule. You can dig it up on the next Leap Day four years hence, thereby proving that you still don’t have a life.
First, you’ll need “stuff,” the technical term for anything you throw in the time capsule. Most of us have plenty of it lying around. Think of the fun memories this stuff will stir four years from now:
--movie ticket stub from “The Descendents”: “Wow, that was one friggin’ depressing movie. I should’ve gone to ‘The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’ with my husband instead.”
--receipt from gasoline purchase: “I can’t believe gas was only $3.69 a gallon back then.”
--tumbleweed of dog hair picked up from floor: “Looks exactly like every tumbleweed I’ve swept up twice a day, every day, for the past four years.”
--crust of bread left over from lunch: “Euww! What the heck was this?”
Second, find a container. My favorite: a metal tin of cookies or candy from Walmart. Clean out the container by eating its entire contents in one day. This is something you’d probably want to do only once every four years – or once in a lifetime.
Third, put all your stuff in the container and bury it. If you live up north, this will require a hydraulic tool to get below the frost line. Then mark the spot with something really attractive (NOT a garden gnome, echhh), write yourself a reminder note, and stash it someplace where you’ll find it in February 2016 (yeah, right).
 Did he see his shadow? Lent was invented by Martin Luther in 1532 to wipe out the last traces of good cheer among early Protestants.
Lent consists of 40 days (without chocolate) and 40 nights (without alcohol), but it seems much longer. It doesn’t count if you give up something you weren’t doing anyway, like eating artichokes.
There are various methods for calculating when Lent begins each year, based on the cycles of the moon and whether the Easter Bunny saw his shadow in February.
If you have ashes applied to your forehead in church on Ash Wednesday morning, all day long people will mistake you for a chimney sweep.
Early catechumens fasted for six days prior to their first communion on Easter Sunday. This fast was reduced to three days once the early church fathers noticed a dropoff in early catechumens due to starvation.
Many denominations omit the “Gloria” from worship during Lent, but unfortunately the pastor usually lengthens his sermon to make up for it.
 Never mind the Super Bowl – the most anticipated commercials of 2012 will accompany tonight’s Westminster Kennel Club broadcast. Here’s a sneak preview of products they will promote.
--Room fresheners you spray on the carpet for your dog to roll in. Fragrances include Unidentified Rotting Carcass, Deer Poop, and Discarded Crankcase Oil.
--Miss Manners’ new book for dogs, You Sniff My Butt, I’ll Sniff Yours.
--Deepak Chopra’s inspirational DVD “Making Peace with Dog Hair,” including the hit song “Tumblin’ Tumbleweeds.”
--A gluten-free, low-carb, low-sodium line of dog food made entirely from egg whites.
--Self-administered canine toothbrushes disguised as dead squirrels.
 Ideas for guys
--Fix the dang toilet already. She’ll be so grateful, you might end up making out on the bathroom floor.
--Just for tonight, stay awake past 8 p.m. by using caffeine, self-inflicted pin jabs, or whatever it takes.
--Buy her a new apron. She’ll think of you when she’s up to her elbows in oven grease.
--Did you know you can print personalized covers of some magazines? Choose carefully, though. No woman wants her picture on “Dog Fancy.”
--Give her new boots to keep her feet warm while she’s clearing the driveway with the snowblower.
Ideas for gals
--Compliment your husband on his hair. If his hair is gone, compliment his eyebrows.
--Cook that favorite dish his mom used to make – the one requiring live-animal sacrifice.
--Deliver a shot and a beer to him in his favorite chair so he doesn’t have to schlep out to the tavern.
--Take a shower together, provided you both fit in the shower stall at once.
--Share your iPod with him. Put one earpiece in your right ear, the other in his left ear, and press your heads together on the open-ear side. If you each hear music in stereo, consider moving to an assisted living center.
Optimist. Will somebody please hit her with a snowball?
1. They’re putting you under anesthesia for major surgery. Your last thought before losing consciousness is “When I wake up…”
A. “…I’ll feel like I got hit by a truck.”
B. “…I’ll be all better.”
2. You’ve won the lottery! You immediately:
A. Hire a tax lawyer, get an unlisted phone number, and deadbolt all your doors.
B. Tell co-workers, relatives, etc. the good news, knowing they’ll be genuinely and unselfishly happy for you.
3. The first day at your new job, you discover that the hottie you hit on during lunch is the boss’s spouse. You think:
A. “I’m dead meat.”
B. “This will make a great story down at the unemployment benefits office.”
Scoring
If you chose mostly A’s, you’re a realist.
If you chose mostly B’s, you’re a nitwit.
If you skipped directly to this scoring table because quizzes never work for you anyway, you’re a pessimist.
If you thought this story would have a funny ending, you’re an incurable optimist.
 If you’re new to the world of thongs, follow these tips.
Buy a thong that’s one size larger than your regular undies. So if you normally wear size small underwear, get a medium thong; if you wear medium undies, get a large thong; and if you wear XXL underwear, do the world a favor and avoid thongs altogether.
When trying on a thong at the intimate-apparel store, you’ll be required to put it on over your existing underwear (or over your long johns if you live in Wisconsin). Do this in the dressing room, not the store aisle.
You’ll need some time to get used to wearing a thong. Some women feel as if they’ve got a permanent wedgie. Others start putting on a thong only to discover that they never took off the previous one, which is wedged in pretty tight.
 Need a winter escape? Thinking of renting a condo in a warm, sunny locale? You can expect to learn a few things through bitter experience.
In the condo’s kitchen, extra garbage bags are stashed in the trash can, under the existing bag. You’ll discover this after searching the condo, giving up, buying bags at the nearest store, returning to the condo, and lifting the full trash bag out of the can.
The fancy automated deodorizer in the master bedroom that squirts air freshener every two minutes eventually gets on your nerves.
This gizmo continues getting on your nerves after you’ve moved it to the spare bedroom.
Year-round heat and tropical humidity create strong mildew, which was why the condo owner put an automated deodorizer in the master bedroom.
When you get home, your mildewed clothes will remind you of all the fun you had on vacation.
Year-round residents of this tropical paradise are bored out of their skulls and will latch onto you like lampreys whenever you venture to the condo’s swimming pool.
Shopping for fruit and vegetables? Expect rotten objects teeming with fruit flies. However, the store does carry 76 varieties of tequila, which kind of makes up for it.
Women are not immune from A**hole Syndrome. Females, you may have the condition if these sound familiar:
--You undergo a cardiac scan to detect abnormalities of the heart, and they discover you don't have one.
--After your husband makes a thoughtless remark, you burn all his clothes.
--During a sermon, when your pastor refers to "hell on earth," everyone turns to look at you.
--You've had only one pet in your life: a boa constrictor.
--You've worn down many pairs of spike heels stepping on people.
Lately there's been lots of media focus on Asperger's Syndrome, a mild variation of autism. Less well known is A**hole Syndrome. Here's how to tell if you have the latter.
--You've been burned in effigy at your last six jobs.
--People who work for you develop tics, twitches and ulcers.
--The company must hire temps to fill the seats at your retirement dinner.
--Your wife has rolled her eyes at you so many times that they're permanently stuck in an upward position.
--Your kids never bring home any playmates and claim to be orphans.
--When you walk down the hall, people give you a stiff-arm salute and shout "Sieg Heil!"
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