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<![CDATA[carsonmania.com - Blog]]>Mon, 21 May 2012 15:33:30 -0600Weebly<![CDATA[What I’ve learned from Showtime’s “The Borgias”]]>Mon, 21 May 2012 16:39:59 -0600http://www.carsonmania.com/1/post/2012/05/what-ive-learned-from-showtimes-the-borgias.htmlThe Borgia Pope was so wild and crazy he even cheated on his mistress. No wonder his Latin name was Alexander Sextus.

His youngest son (a.k.a. Fredo Corleone) spent his spare time rolling in the hay with every comely wench he could find. Just a chip off the old block.

When lightning struck the steeple and killed several altar boys, Il Papa took it as a sign of God’s displeasure, ignoring the obvious: the cathedral needed lightning rods.

For penance during Lent, he made everyone eat sardines. My hubby feels the same way about anchovies on pizza. ]]><![CDATA[Sunblock makers issue new self-serving guidelines ]]>Mon, 21 May 2012 09:35:20 -0600http://www.carsonmania.com/1/post/2012/05/sunblock-makers-issue-new-self-serving-guidelines.html

Just in time for Memorial Day weekend, when we all get naked and head outdoors, sunblock makers have issued new self-serving guidelines. Here’s a comparison of former vs. new standards for protecting yourself from virulent, poisonous sunshine.

Application amount
Then: one shotglass full of sunblock
Now: half-barrel
Frequency
Then: every 4 hours
Now: every 4 minutes
Area
Then: exposed skin
Now: exposed skin, covered skin, scalp beneath hair, underside of foot soles
Timing
Then: whenever you’re outdoors between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m.
Now: 24/7, except when you’re in the shower

]]><![CDATA[Solar armageddon? Look on the bright side ]]>Wed, 16 May 2012 09:21:33 -0600http://www.carsonmania.com/1/post/2012/05/solar-armageddon-look-on-the-bright-side.html

Have you heard? NASA predicts a huge solar storm in 2013 that could blanket Earth in a blood-red aurora. Well, here at Carsonmania we say: look on the bright side. (Get it?... solar…bright?)
Once those solar flares really start flaring:
You’ll get a great suntan just by going outdoors for 10 minutes.
Home heating costs will lower dramatically, especially if your roof melts away.
New options open up for winter vacation when Fargo is just as warm as Phoenix.
You won’t have to mow the lawn anymore. Rake the ash, maybe. But cut the grass? No.
Sure, the electrical grid would be devastated, but this just might be God’s way of wiping out telemarketers.

]]><![CDATA[9 Stupid Spring-Cleaning Tips]]>Mon, 14 May 2012 13:38:12 -0600http://www.carsonmania.com/1/post/2012/05/9-stupid-spring-cleaning-tips.html

1. Remove any animal carcasses that have accumulated during the winter.
2. Use a leaf blower to gather loose items from the entire house into a big pile in the living room. Set fire to it.
3. As the pile burns, throw in all those National Geographic mags you never got around to reading.
4. Use a toothbrush to clean crevices in the sink, shower and toilet.
5. Go back to the toothbrush holder where you absentmindedly replaced this toothbrush, figure out which one it is, and discard it.
6. Wipe and disinfect pets.
7. Lift big pieces of furniture to strain your back.
8. Turn the oven dial to the super-hot “clean” setting. When your kitchen begins to look and smell like a Juarez tire fire, call the fire department.
9. Dump the contents of your utensil drawer onto the counter. Set aside tools you’ve never used and/or don’t recognize. Store them in your bedroom nightstand.

]]><![CDATA[Santorum endorses Romney, sort of ]]>Tue, 08 May 2012 07:52:14 -0600http://www.carsonmania.com/1/post/2012/05/santorum-endorses-romney-sort-of.html

(Washington, D.C.) Rick Santorum, who had earlier bowed out of the Republican presidential primary, sorta endorsed Mitt Romney today.

“If you’re going to vote in November,” Santorum said, “you might as well get behind that Mormon guy – you know, Mr. Boatloads of Money, who bought his way into the Republican nomination. I don’t agree with anything he stands for, but he’s certainly better than Obama.”

Faithful supporters, gathered at Santorum’s campaign headquarters for his pseudo-recommendation, held signs reading “Whatever” and “Vote for the lesser of two evils.”

Santorum’s speech came on the heels of Newt Gingrich’s similarly tepid endorsement. “I’m disappointed that the party would choose a mere mortal,” Gingrich said. “While I may have run out of money, I’m still the smartest man on the planet. And now, please excuse me. I’m taking Callista to the hairdresser for an emergency touch-up.”

]]><![CDATA[What those airline gate announcements really mean]]>Wed, 02 May 2012 08:51:26 -0600http://www.carsonmania.com/1/post/2012/05/what-those-airline-gate-announcements-really-mean.html

You’ve probably heard that airlines are now overbooking every single flight because of mergers, high fuel prices, and airlines’ inherent sadism. Here’s how to interpret various gate announcements while you’re waiting to board.
--“This flight is full.” Every seat is assigned, including lavatories.
--“This flight is very full.” Infants and toddlers must be stowed in the overhead compartment.
--“This flight is completely full.” Several first-class passengers will sit in the cockpit and help fly the plane.
--“We’re asking for volunteers to give up their seats.” They’ll receive vouchers for a future flight, which will also be full, at which time they’ll be put on hold again – and so on and so on, until they become permanent residents of the airport.
--“Our itinerary has changed.” The flight is no longer stopping at the layover city, but you can parachute out at that point if you wish.

]]><![CDATA[White Lace and Panic: A Spoofbook on Weddings]]>Wed, 11 Apr 2012 11:02:31 -0600http://www.carsonmania.com/1/post/2012/04/white-lace-and-panic-a-spoofbook-on-weddings1.html

So he popped the question, and she said, “It’s about frikkin’ time!” White Lace and Panic takes it from there, featuring everything from a bride’s planning timetable (“Nine to twelve years in advance: get engaged”) to tips for finding the perfect wedding dress (“Pay attention to price tags, and try not to laugh hysterically”), unique gift registry suggestions (liquor stores, casinos), overly clever guest book ideas, and so much more. Boldly go where Martha Stewart wouldn’t be caught dead…and all for just 99 cents.

Click HERE to visit the book's Kindle sales page at Amazon.com. The page will open in a new window so you won't lose your place in my brilliant blog.

]]><![CDATA[The Year of the Lip]]>Wed, 04 Apr 2012 15:05:33 -0600http://www.carsonmania.com/1/post/2012/04/the-year-of-the-lip.html

Have you heard? Ultra-bright lipstick colors are really hot right now. Insiders refer to this look as the “bold lip” or the “strong lip,” which makes us think of a pouty woman hefting a sofa with her mouth.

Carsonmania’s new line of lip colors creates all the looks you need, day and night:
Don’t Give Me Any Lip to wear to the office and put obnoxious co-workers in their place.
Lip My Stocking for a faux-seductive Japanese look, a la “Lost In Translation.”
Lip Service to wear at suppertime, when you’re waiting on your husband & kids hand and foot (and lip).
Stiff Upper Lip for those months on end when your house is being bombed by the Luftwaffe.

]]><![CDATA[TSA introduces Clueless Traveler Lane]]>Sat, 31 Mar 2012 19:01:05 -0600http://www.carsonmania.com/1/post/2012/03/tsa-introduces-clueless-traveler-lane.html

"Shee-it! I've had it with these people!"

The recent increase in leisure travel during spring break has prompted the Transportation Security Administration to introduce the Clueless Traveler Lane at security check-in.

You are likely to be funneled into this lane if you match the following profile.

--Your carry-on luggage holds a 64-oz. bottle of your favorite shampoo.

--Your outfit includes a studded belt, lace-up work boots, and a pocketful of change as you approach the metal detector.

--You brought along your collection of carving knives.

--It takes you more than five minutes to remove your jacket.

--You dump the entire contents of your purse onto the conveyor belt.

--Unsure of whether your false teeth will trigger an alarm, you remove them before reaching the detector.

--You joke loudly about exploding underwear and threaten to remove yours.

Although the TSA’s official statement credits “increased efficiency” for the newly created lane, officials privately refer to the program as The Revenge of the Screening Agents.

]]><![CDATA[Four dead giveaways that your doctor is behind the times ]]>Mon, 19 Mar 2012 16:45:58 -0600http://www.carsonmania.com/1/post/2012/03/four-dead-giveaways-that-your-doctor-is-behind-the-times.html

Ever wonder whether your family practitioner is current on the latest medical practices? Here are four dead giveaways to the contrary.

There’s a bottle of leeches on the examination room shelf.
When it’s time for anesthesia, you’re given a stick and told to bite down hard.
His/her medical diploma is printed on actual sheepskin.
No matter what your ailment, the prescription is always the same: bloodletting.

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