Have yourself a meowy little Christmas
Check your hair for mites
Climb that tree; get tangled up in Christmas lights
Have yourself a meowy little Christmas
Lie around all day
Lick your paws ’til all the fur is scraped away
You’re the star, and those humans there
Give you care but they’re such bores
Make their dresser your litter box
Leaving poop on socks in drawers
Scratch the chairs, and claw the eyes of Rover
Eat a tinsel’d bough
Crash the tree at midnight with a shrieking yowl
And have yourself a meowy little Christmas now
Puppy Include food and water in the box, along with some chew toys to cut down on whining. Also, don’t plan on reusing the box, ever, for anything. You’ll see what we mean on Christmas morning.
Limberger cheese Use only a USDA-approved double-lined container with AromaLock™ seal. File an environmental impact statement for the date on which the package will be opened.
Seaweed Soak thoroughly to remove sand and salt; then hang upside down to dry. Pack in cardboard container.
Helicopter Traditionally, this gift makes a surprise landing in the back yard. Wrapping is not recommended.
Microbes Since these are, by definition, too small to be seen with the unaided eye, always include a microscope in the package.
Backyard pond If your pond installation crew is really, really quick, they might be able to get this in the ground while your recipient is out shopping. Then, just cover the hole with a white or green bedsheet (depending on whether there’s snow on the ground) until Christmas.
Meteorites Pack individually for easier lifting. After all, even a one-foot meteorite weighs about 200 pounds.
Pimientos Just leave them in the olives, packed in the jar. Do we have to tell you everything?
A straw poll conducted by the Wall Street Journal among likely voters shows no clear winner among candidates unlikely to get votes.
Just over 54% said they would not vote to reelect President Obama. On the Republican side, 48% said they wouldn’t vote for Newt Gingrich, making him the leading non-vote-getter; 36% said they wouldn’t vote for Mitt Romney; 28% said they wouldn’t vote for nor live next door to Sarah Palin; and 16% said they wouldn’t order pizza from former candidate Herman Cain.
As usual, some of those who were polled expressed a preference for write-in candidates. Mickey Mouse, Adolph Hitler, and perennial candidate Pat Paulsen each earned 3% wouldn't-write-them-in poll numbers.
Local resident Betty Cracker has a secret. She loves the holiday season.
"I know I should be feeling stressed, resentful and blue," says Cracker, 57, of West Allis, Wis. "The season should represent a type of Hallmark perfection that my family can't achieve. It should remind me of all the disappointments of past Christmases.
"And yet I just can't muster that feeling. I really like shopping, hosting parties, giving presents and seeing neighborhood decorations."
Cracker spent years in therapy adjusting to her outlier status. At her counselor's suggestion, she has organized a self-help group, Holiday Lovers Anonymous, for others who feel bright and cheerful during the winter holiday season. It meets each Tuesday evening at Goldmann's Department Store. Members take turns sharing their tales of holiday glee, then shop the store for Christmas gifts and stocking stuffers.
Cracker invites prospective members to attend the next meeting at 7 p.m., Tuesday, Dec. 13. She notes, "No matter how happy you feel during the holidays, we want you to know you're not alone."
Spill the wine, move that rug
These tips will help you get through the holiday party season without being totally shunned come January.
Spilled wine on the carpet? Surreptitiously move an area rug from another part of the room so it covers the stain. If there are no rugs handy, use a sluggish pet (e.g., fat cat) or another guest's sweater.
It's always a mistake to offer alcohol to an underage relative; he or she will think you're a dweeb. You can't be expected to know the drug du jour, so simply point out the medicine cabinet and look the other way.
Wear socks with plenty of holes in them in case your tightly wound hosts make everybody take off their shoes before walking on the rug. Serves 'em right.
At a family style dinner, all serving plates are passed to the right. One exception: if somebody to your left asks for seconds, you don't have to pass the plate all the way around the table again (duh!). Just give them a cold stare and ask "Haven't you had enough?"
Your attire should be appropriate for the home you're visiting. In some cases this means it must be spit-up-proof and pet-hair-repellent. It's also tacky to show lots of thigh or cleavage if most of the guests are over 50, because you might induce a heart attack or stroke. When in doubt, opt for the little black dress (unless you're a guy).
If a hostess gift is in order, consider a fancy picture frame with your photo in it, a spray canister of Endust, or a McDonald's gift certificate.
Concerned about keeping up your end of the conversation? Remember, most people like to talk about themselves. The trick is getting them to stop.
Can't you just see her in this?
Nowadays it's not enough to buy somebody a holiday gift. You're also supposed to wrap it in an extremely clever fashion.
While the following gift-wrap ideas may or may not strike you as clever (depending on how much spiked eggnog you've had), they certainly are cheap. That means a lot when you've spent your entire gift budget on the actual gifts.
--Salon hair care products can be bundled in a shower cap, which offers its own elastic closure so you don't even need a twist-tie.
--Luxury packaging (which you've wheedled from the sales staff at a high-end boutique) really revs up the perceived value of that perfume you bought at Walgreens.
--Save the plastic netting from your next grocery purchase of a dozen oranges. Throw in some votive candles and a pine cone, then tie the whole thing with a big bow. With luck, they'll think you bought it at Crate & Barrel.
--A bag or box from Victoria's Secret -- again, bug the sales staff for a freebie -- makes an interesting container for your traditional gift of a sweater for Grandma. The comic relief (think: tension, then release) will brighten Christmas for the whole family.
--For kids under 5: just give them a huge empty box, and skip the gift entirely. You know they're going to spend more time playing with the box anyway.