Saint Clare of Assisi chose wisely
Ever notice how few modern American saints there are in the Catholic Church? That's because prospective candidates for beatification don't understand what it takes. Studying the lives of other high achievers will improve your odds.
Carefully choose your given name. It goes without saying that Candy, Stacy and Garth aren't going to rise to the top of the heavenly heirarchy. At the same time, you must avoid overused names (Mary, Margaret, John). Consider making up your own name that suggests saintly qualities: Generousia; Overgiverenzetta; or Harry, Who Rescues Kittens Stranded in Trees.
Move to an appropriate town. Think of the big names, like Catherine of Siena or St. Francis of Assisi. Their hometowns drop easily from the tongue. But: Saint Somebody of Akron? Saint So-and-So of Cincinnati? Ain't gonna happen. In fact, you can rule out the entire state of Ohio. Florida has some promisingly exotic city names; just remember to rule out anything that starts with "St." There's no way the Church is going to risk confusion by sponsoring St. Pete of St. Petersburg. Also, forget about Assisi. It's overused. It's also in Italy, which is absolutely glutted with saints.
COMING SOON (whenever I get around to it) Part Two: Clean Up Your Act
iPeed: Sensor in underwear communicates wirelessly with iPhone to indicate when it's past time to slip into a pair of Depends. Great for aging Baby Boomers.
iPick: Use this after a restaurant meal to remove food from between teeth.
iPond: Beeps every 5 minutes, 24/7, with reminders to feed the koi, clean the filter, fix the liner, repair the pump, etc.
iPlunger: Unclogs toilet.
A photogenic profile pic is essential.
Using an online "doctor-finder" tool to select a physician? You can't go wrong with these tips.
1. Nobody named Mengele.
2. Avoid those who've gotten their medical training in any country without vowels in its name.
3. Check out his/her profile picture. Anyone who's probing your privates should look as good as someone you'd consider dating.
4. Google the address of the clinic; make sure it's not located in a crack house.
5. Check the profile for attributes that are important to you, like "generous painkiller prescription policy," "accepts payment via barter system" or "fewer than 25 wrongful-death suits within past 5 years."
Medium-rare turkey? Not safe.
Assuming you invited people over for Thanksgiving because you actually like them and not because you suffer from some passive-agressive Lucretia Borgia complex, here are some tips to avoid poisoning the group this year.
--Never buy a pre-stuffed live turkey.
--Frozen turkeys are usually rock-hard, so thumping them like a melon won’t indicate freshness. Instead, make sure the date on the wrapper says 2006 or later.
--If you must thaw your turkey in the dishwasher, don’t add soap to the dispenser.
--Microwave thawing is safe if you can shove the turkey in the microwave without wrenching your shoulder.
--Before stuffing, check inside the cavity of the turkey. You might find giblets (you were supposed to start cooking them two hours ago) or paper wadding that the poultry processor inserted to make the turkey weigh more.
--If the turkey still looks pale when you check it six hours later, you forgot to turn on the oven.
--Stuffing is extremely vulnerable to spoilage. As soon as the turkey is done, remove stuffing and discard it in an airtight bag marked “Biohazard Waste.”
They'll save your heartfelt note forever.
Here it is almost Thanksgiving, and you still haven't written thank-you notes for last year's Christmas gifts. To get you off your butt, here's a step-by-step guide.
1. Dear [person's name]. Or, if you're really close, use "Hi" and a nickname: "Hi, Warthog!"
2. "Thank you for the [description] [type of gift]." If lots of time has passed and you've accumulated many gifts, be sure you match the gift with the actual giver. Are you sure that Penthouse subscription came from Aunt Hilda?
3. Write one or more sentences about the item and how you'll use it: "It matches my blaze orange hunting jacket, and it'll keep me warm when we're sitting in the cabin drinking beer."
4. Express appreciation for the giver's thoughtfulness. "It was so clever of you to shop at Goodwill for our wedding present."
5. Mention something personal about the giver. "My best wishes to you and your 36 cats."
6. Sign off with an appropriate closing, like "Love" for family members, or "Yours truly," "
If you know what's good for you, you'll keep your mind under control during your next CAT scan. You should especially avoid thoughts like the following.
1. My nose itches.
2. The supermagnet is making my dental fillings vibrate.
3. I could swear this tube was bigger when they first rolled me in.
4. Those "clunks" sound like that time I left a wrench in my work pants and wrecked the washing machine.
5. They lied to me. They aren't scanning my body; they're reading my brain waves.
6. What if the technician takes a coffee break and forgets I'm here?
7. I swear this tube is getting smaller.
8. Every time the machine buzzes, my nose itches even more.
9. I am sooo sorry I drank a full bottle of water this morning.
Haven't washed your hair in 7 months?
HUSBANDS, you may be taking your wife for granted if:
--You’ve accidentally hung your coat on her head instead of the coat rack.
--You’re about to introduce her to a new acquaintance and realize you’ve forgotten her name.
--Not only do you expect dinner on the table when you get home, you fax your order ahead of time.
--You’ve got eyestrain from constantly rolling your eyes at everything she says.
WIVES, you may be taking your husband for granted if:
--You haven’t washed your hair in seven months.
--You and the kids refer to him as “the ATM.”
--You leave for a week-long business trip and forget to tell him.
--Your at-home lounge clothes are so ratty that Goodwill wouldn’t take them.
Today is 11/11/11, a numerical sequence that arrives only once in a century. (So does 11/12/11 and a bunch of other combinations, but never mind.) If you are at all superstitious, don't miss this rare opportunity to make a fool of yourself.
--Buy 11 lottery tickets, so you can lose 11 times the money you do on normal days when you buy only one.
--If you're an expectant mother, insist that your doctor deliver the baby by c-section today. The maternity ward will be inundated with superstitious mothers-to-be, and in all the confusion there's a better than average chance you'll accidentally bring home a baby from a smarter gene pool.
--Get married today. For guys, this isn't superstitious, just common sense: 11/11 is a memorable date, and you're less likely to be murdered by your wife for forgetting your anniversary.
--Inform everyone you meet that today marks the end of the Mayan "long count" calendar cycle and the beginning of the Mayan year 2012. They might mistake you for Cliff Claven of "Cheers."
Q. What’s the recommended cooking time for a 14-pound stuffed turkey?
A. Oh, it just takes forever to do that. I mean, first you have to prepare the stuffing, and then you have to cook the whole thing for hours, basting all the while. It’s really not worth the trouble. Why not serve something different this year, like breaded pork chops?
Q. Can you recommend a wine that goes well with turkey?
A. I love some of the cabernet sauvignons from the Napa Valley, but they’re much too full-flavored for turkey, so serve them with grilled steak this Thanksgiving.
Q. What’s the easiest way to carve a turkey?
A. Carving is such a chore. Your guests are famished, the kids are whining, and you’re sawing away while all the other food gets cold. Save yourself lots of trouble by serving oyster bisque. There’s absolutely no carving involved.
Q. Which is healthier, the white meat or the dark meat?
A. Contrary to what you may have heard, the healthiest main dish would be Polish kielbasa sausage with sauerkraut. Yum!
When hair goes bad
Ladies! Are you aware of all the new hair-care products out there? They are certainly aware of you. They're just sitting on the store shelves, hoping and praying for a chance to alleviate your bad-hair year.
So take off that ugly knit cap you've been hiding under and get to work with these fabulous goodies.
MASKS bring concentrated moisture to your hair. We particularly like Dairy Queen Ultra Thick Hair Butter ($9 at Dairy Queens everywhere). If you're currently using a mask every week, increase to twice a week. If you're already using one daily, increase to hourly. So what if you're running to the ladies' room eight times a day to treat your hair? The boss will understand.
DRY SHAMPOO cleans your scalp between regular shampoos; simply massage it in. You could also try it on those pet stains on the living room carpet.
GLAZE brings shine to dry locks. Use with care, as sunlight reflected off your head may blind oncoming motorists on a sunny day. Try Zinsser BullsEye Exterior Glaze ($15, Ace Hardware).
HYDRATOR comes in a spray bottle. Spritz some on your head whenever dry, static-y indoor air has you looking like the Bride of Frankenstein.