Inspired by the Divine Fudge we saw in a religious-goods catalog, our Carsonmania marketing department has created a scrumptious treat just in time for Halloween.
Holy Trinity Candy Corn illustrates the divine mystery of the Triune God: three co-equal entities of yellow, orange and white that are separate yet indivisible parts of a single kernel. It's guaranteed to elevate religious awareness while boosting blood sugar levels.
Holy Trinity Candy Corn comes in a 10-pound bag without individually wrapped portions. This ensures that when you offer it to trick-or-treaters, their helicopter parents will decline the candy because of safety concerns. You get to keep it all to yourself.
Available for sale as soon as we can find a bank foolish enough to grant us a credit card merchant account.
It's the ornery time of year for bees, hornets, wasps, and yellow jackets. You'd be ornery, too, if you knew you'd be spending the next 6 months holed up in a hollow log or a mudhole without access to NFL broadcasts.
These little buggers are so ticked off right now that they will sting without any provocation. Experts recommend that immediately following an insect sting, you should:
2. Swear a blue streak.
3. Try to locate the insect so you can stomp it to death.
4. Run into the house and submerge the affected part into ice water.
5. Have a stiff drink.
"Gee, how did they know I have herpes?"
Now that Hallmark has come out with "sorry you lost your job" cards (yes, really), we think it's time for other cards that deal with the nitty gritty of daily life.
Sorry your dog's anal sacs need expressing Either you do it yourself -- echhh! -- or you pay the vet to do it. In either case, this deserves a $3.99 card.
Sorry you got called for jury duty Yes, it's a civic duty and a privilege in a free society, blah blah blah. With luck, you'll spend the day waiting at the courthouse and never get chosen for a trial. In the meantime, you can look at a card from someone who feels your pain.
Sorry you ruined a priceless glass bowl while trying to make peanut brittle with a dumb recipe you found online Granted, maybe this card has a potential audience of one (that would be me). But I would be really impressed.
Sorry your septic system needs emptying This needs to be done every other year (in Wisconsin, anyway), which guarantees repeat business for the greeting card company.
Sorry your team stinks Whether the recipient is an NFL fan or merely a parent suffering through an offspring's losing soccer season, this card can ease the sting. Bonus: musical cards that play the team song.
The FAA has updated its forecast, pinpointing the likely landing area of incoming satellite debris as "somewhere on Earth." This increases the chance that when you get up tomorrow morning, there will be a smoking chunk of meteor among the discards that already litter your yard.
How can you tell the difference between this new space junk and your old regular junk? Here's a guide.
Meteorite: hot to the touch; will burn through oven mitt
Discarded lawn mower: same as outdoor air temperature
School-bus-sized meteor: 7 to 8 grams per cubic centimeter
Broken-down school bus: up to 2 gm/cm(3), depending on seating capacity
Value on eBay
Meteorite: Over $1 million (minus shipping cost of approximately $10 million)
Old tires: zero
Curiosity value to neighbors
Meteorite: high. Put up a fence and charge admission.
Lawn junk: nil
Potential for reuse
Lawn junk: extremely high; that's why you've been saving it, right?
Confused about what must happen for the Milwaukee Brewers to win their division? So are we. But we have a blog and you don't, so we get to make something up.
Here's the lowdown. The Brewers will win their division if any two of the following events occur:
--The Brewers win their next game + the Cardinals lose.
--The Brewers win their next game + the falling satellite lands on the Cubs' dugout.
--The Brewers win their next game + the Packers beat the Bears on Sunday.
--The Brewers win their next game + The Bears Still Suck.
--The Brewers win their next 27 games and then take a break for Christmas.
The budget message which President Obama emailed to Congress yesterday apparently has been screened out by the spam filters of most Internet Service Providers.
A White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, said: "We're not sure what caused this glitch, but it might have been the email's subject line, 'Save big $$$ on Cialis and Viagra for maximum performance.' "
Few members of Congress seemed aware of the missing email. According to the watchdog agency Big Brother Is Watching, Inc., Congressional members' online activity during the email release was divided between eBay (41%), Facebook/Farmville (32%), and MeetHotSexyModels.com (27%).