(Washington, D.C.) – Prophets and seers warned today that the nation’s capital can expect a plague of locusts early next week.
“Obviously, the Almighty wants to wipe Washington off the map,” said one soothsayer. “The earthquake didn’t do it, and Hurricane Irene is weakening already. So locusts would be the logical next move.”
The administration is considering cutting off Internet service to locusts, preventing them from using Twitter and mobile texting to coordinate their swarms.
Entymologist point out that ravenous locusts feed on everything in their path, including each other – a cannibalistic tendency they share with members of Congress.
Depressed? We don't blame you.
Hey, kids: Here comes that day you’ve been dreading all summer. School is starting, and you may feel nervous, scared, nauseous, itchy, panicky or paranoid. And as that first day unfolds, you’ll realize why.
But it’s the law. So get your act together with these back-to-school tips.
The first day Most teachers start off by introducing themselves. Write down the names of your teachers and anything that’ll help you remember them, like “Mrs. Jonas, blue hair” or “Mr. Affenpinscher, loose dentures.”
Pay close attention to classroom rules. Are you required to raise your hand before starting a riot? Are there rules about visiting the restroom, or can you just wet your pants?
You might already know many kids in your class. If you’re lucky, they’ve forgotten what you did to them last year.
Sit! On the first day, your teachers might let you sit anywhere you want. But by the second or third day, they’ll reassign seating to keep you exiled from friends. Take out your frustration by carving your initials in the desktop.
Supply line Your parents have spent big bucks to get you everything on the school’s 20-page supply list. Put it all in your backpack and get Dad to help lift that 55-pound sucker onto your back.
Lunch You have two options: (1) Wait until you’re about to leave for school, then remind Mom to pack your lunch, or (2) Wait until you’re about to leave, and then ask Mom for lunch money. Whatever you do, don’t fall for that line about eating a variety of fruits and vegetables. Everything you could possibly want, including potato chips, soda, candy bars, and energy drinks, is available in lunchbox-sized packs.
Get your bearings There’s a lot to learn on that first day. Write your locker combination on your hand in ink so you won’t forget it. Ask around for the place where kids go for a quick smoke. If there’s a student co-op with supplies and snacks, learn the system: cash? credit? extortion?
Off to a rotten start Suppose you hate school by the end of the first day. Teachers recommend that you give it time, because things will improve as you adjust to the routine. Well, what did you expect them to say? “Drop out”? But if it gets really bad, talk to the school counselor, who might have access to some strong medication.
Betty Cracker herself
Q. Can I eliminate salt from a home canning recipe?
A. Yes, indeed. The resulting product will help both your blood pressure and your waistline, since you’ll never want to eat it.
Q. I’ve inherited a pressure cooker. How should I use it?
A. Pressure canning is the method of choice when you want to convert large quantities of fruits or vegetables into a mushy mass that’s splattered all over your kitchen walls and ceiling. Fill the cooker, turn it on, and get the heck out of there until you hear the explosion.
Q. How can I tell whether canning recipes from family and friends are safe to use?
A. First, consider who’s offering the recipe: a rival for the state fair blue ribbon for canned beets? A beneficiary in your will?
Second, examine the recipe. If it says something like “test the boiling jam by sticking your finger in the kettle,” I’d be suspicious.
Q. How can I tell whether canned food contains botulism?
A. Invite your neighbors over for a tasting. Be a good hostess; serve yourself last.