It's almost August, so get your rear in gear and have some summer fun before it's too late.
1. Bike in the nude. Then stop for lunch at an outdoor café, and lean your bike against an adjacent table.
2. Parasail nude. You can gross out hundreds of beachgoers at once.
3. Hang up clothes to dry on your backyard clothesline while not wearing any yourself. Your neighbors will be amused by the irony.
4. Go horseback riding, a la Lady Godiva.
5. Streak through the park during your community’s July 4th picnic. This activity also provides your daily dose of cardio.
6. Try one of those carnival rides that hang riders upside down. Being nude enhances the experience tenfold.
Q. I love miniature donkeys! Trouble is, my snooty homeowners’ association won’t allow livestock, fences or outbuildings. I’m considering using our little back yard as a pasture. Tall shrubbery around the lot line would keep the donkey from wandering and hide him from prying eyes. Then at night we’d lead him through the walkout door into the basement, where he’d have a little stall lined with fresh hay bought in one-pound bales from PetSmart. Do you think this would work?
"You're gonna EAT this?!"
First there were smartchips, embedded microprocessors that provide data storage and authentication. Now, brace yourself for a wave of new products outfitted with the next-generation technology, smartass chips.
Products in the works include:
--A hand vacuum that senses dirt conditions where you’re cleaning and blares a prerecorded message such as “Hey! You missed that spiderweb in the corner.”
--A kitchen blender that evaluates ingredients being fed into its container. Its digital readout then displays either a thumbs-up symbol or the message “You shoulda had a V-8.”
--A hamper that detects dirty laundry discarded on the floor within a 10-foot radius. The hamper sends out a vacuum tube, picks up the object (a wet towel, for instance) and whacks the person who dropped it.
--A dishwasher that performs a similar operation with dirty dishes, with an optional “pause” function allowing your dogs to lick them before they’re loaded.
Reuters News Service (London) – Buckingham Palace announced today that Queen Elizabeth II will carry the torch into Olympic Stadium and light the flame that burns throughout the 2012 games.
“She may be 86,” said a palace spokesman, “but she showed so much vim and vigor during her diamond jubilee that the Olympic Committee decided, ‘Oh, bloody hell, why not let the old gal have a go at it?’ ”
A Pakistani shopkeeper carrying the torch to the stadium tunnel entrance will pass it to entertainer Elton John. Mr. John will carry the torch into the stadium, pass it to the queen, and give her a big smooch on the cheek.
The queen will then circle the 400-meter track, dodging droppings from live farm animals participating in the opening extravaganza. Finally, she will throw the torch, javelin-style, up to the huge gas-fired flame at the stadium’s rim.