"Shee-it! I've had it with these people!"
The recent increase in leisure travel during spring break has prompted the Transportation Security Administration to introduce the Clueless Traveler Lane at security check-in.
You are likely to be funneled into this lane if you match the following profile.
--Your carry-on luggage holds a 64-oz. bottle of your favorite shampoo.
--Your outfit includes a studded belt, lace-up work boots, and a pocketful of change as you approach the metal detector.
--You brought along your collection of carving knives.
--It takes you more than five minutes to remove your jacket.
--You dump the entire contents of your purse onto the conveyor belt.
--Unsure of whether your false teeth will trigger an alarm, you remove them before reaching the detector.
--You joke loudly about exploding underwear and threaten to remove yours.
Although the TSA’s official statement credits “increased efficiency” for the newly created lane, officials privately refer to the program as The Revenge of the Screening Agents.
"Going forward, we're all about sales."
(Cudahy WI) – The world’s leading app maker, Just Apps and More, has announced its latest app for mobile devices: Stand-In.
Stand-In creates a hologram of your entire body (“Virtual You” – patent pending) and projects it into a physical space. It’s everywhere you don’t want to be. Places where Stand-In can maintain a Virtual You hologram include:
--boring meetings. Once you’ve set the device to business mode, Virtual You will nod its head every 30 seconds and utter bits of jargon like “going forward,” “content is king,” and “we’re all about sales.”
--the Department of Motor Vehicles. Stand-In keeps Virtual You waiting in that interminable line and notifies you when it’s almost your turn.
--church. Stand-In ensures that the Virtual You hologram keeps its eyes wide open during the homily while you’re outside enjoying the sunshine.