If you’re new to the world of thongs, follow these tips.
Buy a thong that’s one size larger than your regular undies. So if you normally wear size small underwear, get a medium thong; if you wear medium undies, get a large thong; and if you wear XXL underwear, do the world a favor and avoid thongs altogether.
When trying on a thong at the intimate-apparel store, you’ll be required to put it on over your existing underwear (or over your long johns if you live in Wisconsin). Do this in the dressing room, not the store aisle.
You’ll need some time to get used to wearing a thong. Some women feel as if they’ve got a permanent wedgie. Others start putting on a thong only to discover that they never took off the previous one, which is wedged in pretty tight.
Need a winter escape? Thinking of renting a condo in a warm, sunny locale? You can expect to learn a few things through bitter experience.
In the condo’s kitchen, extra garbage bags are stashed in the trash can, under the existing bag. You’ll discover this after searching the condo, giving up, buying bags at the nearest store, returning to the condo, and lifting the full trash bag out of the can.
The fancy automated deodorizer in the master bedroom that squirts air freshener every two minutes eventually gets on your nerves.
This gizmo continues getting on your nerves after you’ve moved it to the spare bedroom.
Year-round heat and tropical humidity create strong mildew, which was why the condo owner put an automated deodorizer in the master bedroom.
When you get home, your mildewed clothes will remind you of all the fun you had on vacation.
Year-round residents of this tropical paradise are bored out of their skulls and will latch onto you like lampreys whenever you venture to the condo’s swimming pool.
Shopping for fruit and vegetables? Expect rotten objects teeming with fruit flies. However, the store does carry 76 varieties of tequila, which kind of makes up for it.
Women are not immune from A**hole Syndrome. Females, you may have the condition if these sound familiar:
--You undergo a cardiac scan to detect abnormalities of the heart, and they discover you don't have one.
--After your husband makes a thoughtless remark, you burn all his clothes.
--During a sermon, when your pastor refers to "hell on earth," everyone turns to look at you.
--You've had only one pet in your life: a boa constrictor.
--You've worn down many pairs of spike heels stepping on people.
Lately there's been lots of media focus on Asperger's Syndrome, a mild variation of autism. Less well known is A**hole Syndrome. Here's how to tell if you have the latter.
--You've been burned in effigy at your last six jobs.
--People who work for you develop tics, twitches and ulcers.
--The company must hire temps to fill the seats at your retirement dinner.
--Your wife has rolled her eyes at you so many times that they're permanently stuck in an upward position.
--Your kids never bring home any playmates and claim to be orphans.
--When you walk down the hall, people give you a stiff-arm salute and shout "Sieg Heil!"
Let's say your significant other has a long day at work and you'd like to surprise him by clearing the driveway with the snowblower. Except the closest you've gotten to the snowblower was the time you almost sideswiped it with your car in the garage. Never fear -- we'll talk you through the process.
We're assuming you own a manly two-stage thrower like the one pictured. If you've got a single-stage girlie thrower, you might as well shovel by hand.
1. Locate the "off" button. It may seem counterintuitive to list this first, but you don't want to finish the job only to find out you can't turn the darned thing off and need to phone your hubby and have him pulled out of a meeting to explain it to you. Just speaking hypothetically, of course.
2. Keep arms, legs and pets away from the business end of the snowblower...the part that chews into drifts. Who wants blood on their pristine white lawn?
3. Remember to use the wind to your advantage. The snow should plume away from you so you don't turn into the Abominable Snowwoman.
4. After you've used reverse gear to back out of a tight corner, remember to put it in "drive" again before engaging the wheels. The neighbors might be filming this for YouTube.
5. Once you're done with this he-man chore, crack open a brewski and relax in the recliner to watch NFL football.
Joseph A. Sephora Jr., 37, of Muskego, Wis., has set a new world record by breaking 10 New Year’s resolutions in a single day.
Sephora broke all 10 of his 2012 resolutions by skipping Sunday Mass as well as a meetup with friends for a jog. Instead he watched a meaningless football bowl game, consuming potato chips and beer while swearing at the referee’s calls, ignoring his wife’s pleas to “watch the kids for a change, wouldja?” During halftime, instead of helping his wife in the kitchen, Sephora played Farmville for a while. He then surfed to the Sports Illustrated site to see whether the swimsuit issue, due in February, had by chance come out early.
An ounce of prevention: consider outfitting your car with doors and windows.
Pack an emergency kit with items you’ll need if stranded: blankets, food, flashlight, and a manservant who will fetch help from the nearest farmhouse.
Make sure you have four good snow tires on your vehicle. If you’re obsessive, install five or six good snow tires.
Drive no faster than 20 mph over posted limits.
If the rear wheels skid, steer hard to one side and step on the gas, sending your car into a spectacular spin like in the movies.
Carry a bag of kitty litter in the trunk in case you decide to stop at the animal shelter and adopt a cat on the way home.
If you get stuck, do not gun your wheels, which digs your car in deeper. Rather, instruct your wife to push the car from the back while you steer. Once you get going, remember to slow down long enough to let her jump in the passenger side.
In icy conditions, be cautious around bridges and overpasses, where squad cars often sit with their radar turned on.
Upon arriving at your destination, check beneath the car for items you picked up in snowdrifts, such as your neighbor’s mailbox.
If all else fails, forego driving altogether. Quit your job, pull your kids out of school, and subsist on canned goods until mid-May.